Feast or Famine: A Tale of Rachel's Professional Life

So many of you know know that about 9 months ago, I took a gigantic leap back from the music industry in order to preserve what got me into the music industry in the first place: my love of music. Once you find yourself in the middle of the hubbub, you realize that slowly, slowly over however long a period of time, your passion, your absolute devotion to music has sort of, well, petered out, been compromised, what have you. Very few people are exempt and there are definitely upsides to working in the music industry. Free music, for one. All of a sudden the people you've admired for so long are well within your circle of friends. It's all very exciting. There are downsides, too many to name depending on your mood. I won't go into it. I suppose what I'm really trying to emphasize here is that I had to break up with music in order to love music again and I have been actively searching for a job in the business side of things that will allow me to keep up the romance.

It's a lot like dating. Too much of a good thing and you want to strangle your good thing. Sometimes it takes that break up to help you realize what it is you really lost. Sometimes a little vacation can help that too. My aim was never to break up with the music industry all together - I mean, I'm pretty good at it. We can't always pick what we're good at - this is one of my curses. I suppose if I was a total hack, it would be a lot easier for me to give up the ghost, go get an office job, settle for finding happiness somewhere between the hours of 7 and 10 pm. But I maintain hope. I say, "Music, this is only temporary. I have to miss you for once. You're too available. You're too manic - and then you're depressive. I can't quite figure out what you want from me. I need to see someone else for a little while. I hope you understand. Call me sometime."

So over the past few months, I've been doing the equivalent of job dating - just realizing that putting yourself out there again is a hell of a lot better than sitting in your house, being miserable and self-destructive. I recently put myself throught that ill-fated phase of "Maybe I can work retail again..." For a moment, there was nothing more appealing than being employed in a place where I felt absolutely no desire (negative desire, even) to bring my work home with me. Kind of like the "Sure, I'll have a drink with you even though you're not my type and it would be doomed from the beginning, but hey, a free drink sounds great" situation. And you have polite (possibly psychotic) conversation while your eyes, fingers, toes, ears and whatnot are looking for the nearest emergency exit. I never doubted that I would be heartily dissatisfied with the HUGE pay cut that working at the shoe store would entail - I guess I just never realized that I would actually rather sit at home and drink myself to death than get paid $9 an hour to sell ugly wedges to fat ladies. Call it my achilles heel, I dunno. Working at the shoe store was a lot like going on a mercy date... And then being forced to pay for dinner, drive the guy home to his mother's house, walk him in, meet his mother, and curse of all curses, feel obligated to do it again. Ugh. I shudder to think... I lasted 3 shifts.

This is all following a period of 9 months where there was either a ton of work or none at all. That last entry was at the point that I really felt I was doomed to start over professionally. I had a great tour in April and I was certain that it was the beginning of something really good. The whole situation was much like a great first date with no invitation for a second and you wonder, "Did I say something weird at the end? Was there something in my teeth? Shit..." I know that I really can't take it personally - the music industry is just like that. It's business, as they say. But you can never help but wonder if someone just isn't telling you something (like how I had my fly down for the final speech of my junior year mythology class; I thought people were laughing at my wit. I found out later that was not the case...). And every time you swear, "This is the last time! Never again! We are OVER!" you find yourself crawling back like a little abused puppy. The music industry has that power - no one ever really leaves. You'd think someone would start a shelter for people like us, an AA for people who swear they are finished with the biz but are always tempted to take that first drink again and again and again.

So with that in mind, I thought I was done. And within 4 days of that last entry, I got 3 job offers (all temporary, contractual work) in one day. So I guess music and I are back on. I mean, when things are good, they're really good. No one understands how we are when we're alone. He's really sweet, really - I mean, you'd never be able to tell but he's so romantic. I know I said I didn't love him, but I was just going through a phase...

- Russia