Birfday

Yesterday, the 3rd of June, in the year of our Lord, 2007, I celebrated my 25th birthday. It has come. It has now gone. I was all set to write a supremely well thought out and maybe funny blog about my annual personal assessment. I even got about 5 paragraphs into it before something clicked and I didn't have the energy to write anymore. Some other thing clicked (not a joint this time) and I got a little sad, too. I can't explain why, really, because my birthday is such a happy time for me and usually lasts about a week: Rachel Gras, I like to call it.

This time was different. It isn't so much that I got sad by the assessment, like I was confronted with aging or mortality or something. That's not even what my assessments are about. They're sort of like my New Years resolutions in a way, where I count my blessings, make lists, prioritize, find motivation, evaluate my relationships and friendships - all that. Very healthy I think. What made me sad this time around is that usually these assessments are conducted because during the rest of the year I don't really have time to do these. I'm usually very busy and these feel like a much needed break from the daily grind so I can achieve a little perspective.

Owing to the fact that I quit my job 8 months ago and have had nothing but time these last 8 months to analyze EVERYTHING, this assessment started to feel like well-trodden ground and almost egotistical gluttony. Just another excuse to go over the same shit I have been dealing with, most of it difficult, and I still without answers. So rather than it being a release and lightbulbs firing up like neurons, I began to feel myself sinking into the same puddle of crap that I've done a supreme job of getting out of.

To tell you the truth, I'm getting weary at the amount of time I spend thinking about myself. It has become unhealthy because it isn't about all the things I'm happy with or all of the ways I think I am so wonderful. It's about the minutiae, all the things I can pick apart about myself that no one notices. I then proceed to blow them out of proportion, whether they be physical or environmental insecurities. It is absolutely stupid. I'm tired of not only thinking about myself all the time, but spending all of my time on me (which is no doubt a pendulum from all the years I had to ignore myself for work/school) and always WRITING ABOUT ME. I swear to God, all of the writing I've done in the last 2 years has been nothing more than a chain of "Dear Diary" pieces. I remember having a voice that extended beyond myself as well as having an imagination. So aside from all practical goals this year (money, life, etc.), I'm searching for a voice and the imagination that I grew so fond of but forgot which box I packed it into.

All existential hubbub aside, my birthday was wonderful. We were in Haines, AK and we vowed that the day would consist of nothing more than the 2 bottles of Champagne we purchased, cake, and the hotel room. The day also gave us breakfast at the health food store, dinner at the local bar (CALAMARI!), and the Democratic debates. You all may not know this but I was a Political Science major in college but chose not to go into politics for obvious reasons (fear of the loss of soul, ethics, etc. as well as an overarching tendency towards political theory instead of political practice). I find it difficult to even watch or discuss these sorts of affairs due to how overly emotional and paralyzed I become. I will say this, though: I was given a tiny bit of hope yesterday. I will not say how or why or explain why I liked who said what, but I will say that for the first time in a while, it felt like dialogue. I and my fellow citizens have endured 7 years of being talked down to by someone I deem a "curmudgeon" and, though debates and TV are highly politicized, I am beginning to feel like we might be on the right track. Just a hunch, a hunch that makes me smile and want to pay attention.

We are currently about to embark on 3 long drives to get ourselves to Calgary and then Banff, an idea that turned into a plan of action about a week ago. We will drive the rest of the Alaska Highway to Alberta, have some city living, a little getaway in some more beautiful mountains, and then we start the drive home. Truth be told, we are missing many things about home life which is all the criteria required for a successful vacation. It isn't over yet, however. We are up to a bear count of 26, having not seen even 1 bear in Alaska - they've all been Canadian. The death count on the windshield is upwards of 45,000 and the colors run the spectrum of all visible light. It's breathtaking.

My love to you all who continue to read this and comment. It means more than you know to have support even if it's a silly thing that we all do on the internet.

Auf wiedersehen!

-Russia